Series of Unfortunate Events… i.e. My life

In the last few years there’s been a lot of stuff going on. So much so I’d say we were living in Eastenders short of a murder. There has been death though, so I guess that counts. 

There’s been a lot to cope with, but to summarise; I’ve just turned 18 years old, finished my A Levels and gone clubbing for the first time. I’ve also lost my Grandad and had every member of my family going into hospital from incidents as little as me fracturing my ankle to my sister having meningitis. 

Oh yeah, and that’s not mentioning the aftereffects of my parents’ divorce 3 years ago, the existence of my Dad hassling and stalking me despite me cutting contact, the statutory rape of my sister and her following rebellion, and my mum finding her way into new relationships.

And now, our family faces probably the toughest situation yet. My 16 year old sister is one month pregnant by a guy we all hate, and is keeping the baby. 

I’ll document and post for my sanity as much as to recognise the sheer mess that my life is right now. Who knows? Things might get worse.



Liebster Award!

Hey! I was nominated for another Liebster award a little while ago and thought I’d sit and answer all these incredibly thought out questions. Thanks to Sithara from musings of a mellow mind for nominating me, I really love your blog and it means a lot.

Here are my answers:

Your favourite season.

Autumn. I have a ridiculous fetish for the sound of crispy leaves crumbling under your feet. (Not bare feet, that’s a little weird)

Your favourite festival.

Not sure what this includes. Around the world I love the tomato festival as well as the cool paint throwing one. They seem so impulsive and fun, it’s everything that we need every now and again to keep us sane. I love music festivals too.

Your views on feminism.

Depends on your definition of feminism really. As a woman I’m all for women’s rights and total equality. Feminism is sometimes used for female supremacists and that is unnecessary. I particularly love the recent free the nipple campaign in Brighton- especially when the reports about it include images from the demonstration, BUT HAVE BLOTTED OUT WOMENS NIPPLES ONLY. It’s insane, a nipple is a nipple, a body is a body, a human is a human. Why can we not all be equal?

A change you’d like to bring about in this world.

Equality. When we are all equal there is no reason for conflict, hence initiating peace across the globe.

Your biggest achievement.

I hate these types of questions because it always makes me question whether I have actually achieved anything in my life. I got an A in maths and chemistry GCSE despite my teachers telling me I couldn’t?

Something that you regret not doing.

I regret not talking to Steven Moffat. I went to the Doctor Who 50th Celebration and I walked past Moffat twice. Not even just once, but twice. I was too star struck to say anything but I wish I had.

Did you ever have a pet? (If so what? If not what would you like to have?)

I used to have two goldfish (Mike and Sully), one of which surprisingly lived for 7 years. I now have a little Shih Tzu dog. My dream pet is a miniature tortoise, but mum isn’t going to let me get one any time soon.

Introvert or extrovert?

I’m an extrovert within introverts. I’ll be most comfortable sat awkwardly in the corner on my phone but among my friends who I’m completely at ease with I’ll be partying and loving every second of it.

Something you’d rather be doing now?

Well, since it has taken me so long to respond to this, I’m currently sat by a pool in Portugal. I wish I was with my friends but other than that I’m completely happy.

Do you play any musical instruments?

I wish. I love singing in the shower (doesn’t mean I screech or anything, I just hate doing stuff in front of people). I have absolutely zilch musical ability, or rather, I haven’t found my instrument of choice. I reckon I’d be alright on the drums though… Who knows.

What are your views on politics?

I think politics is overrated. Everyone is so self serving (and if they deny it, they can turn down the multiple digit pay check and then we’ll talk). People need educating on respect a lot of the time, and also on the different types of people out in the world. This includes different non conforming genders and sexualities as well as religion and cultures. If this happens, everyone is more understanding and there is less room for conflict. Whoops, sorry, I’m just a hippie at heart.
 My random facts:

  1. I don’t own shorts.
  2. I’m really fussy about textures of things.
  3. I love pancakes.
  4. I’m a master at making lemon drizzle cake (if I do say so myself)
  5. I can do the Mexican wave with my eyebrows.
  6. I recently attempted to dip dye my hair red.
  7. I’m contemplating cutting my hair really short.
  8. Crocs are my holiday shoes of choice.
  9. I don’t really care for sweets and chocolate.
  10. My favourite colour is red.
  11. I’m super pale.

Again, I would like to thank Sithara from Musings of a mellow mind for nominating me for this award.

I would also like to deeply apologise for not posting this sooner, I am extremely grateful but have been preoccupied with exams and exams preparation and exams ranting.
Ok I’m going to nominate

1. bellaroydhouse

2. my little libellule 

3. Midnightexpressions

I don’t avidly follow many bloggers so I’ll leave it there ☺️ 
Here are the rules if you don’t know:

  • Acknowledge the person who nominated you and display the award.
  • Answer 11 questions that the blogger gives you.
  • (This one states) give11 random facts about yourself
  • Nominate some blogs you think that deserve it.
  • Let the bloggers know you’ve nominated them.
  • Give your 11 questions to the nominees.

My questions for you:

  1. Are you on or are going on holiday? If so, where?
  2. Sweet or salted popcorn?
  3. What kind of music do you listen to?
  4. Is the reason you started blogging the reason you stick at it?
  5. Who is your celebrity crush?
  6. Would you rather be hot or cold?
  7. What’s your favourite part of your body?
  8. What’s your favourite part of yourself in general?
  9. What’s your favourite book? Or author if it’s difficult 😂
  10. What’s your favourite season?
  11. Where is the place you would most like to see in the world?

My Dad

My dad is kinda the one person I don’t talk about much. On here, with people, it doesn’t matter.

But now I think it’s time. This is more of an overdue diary post than anything.

Just over 2 years ago, a week or so before my 15th birthday, my dad announced he was leaving my mum (again, he’d done so a few months before then crawled back in). It wasn’t a mutual thing, but me and my sister could feel the tension for months. I can look back now and say I was/am relieved it all ended, but he was the sole reason for the utter chaos that followed him leaving.

I don’t tend to let things get to me.  But they do sometimes. This wasn’t the time to let things get to me. My dad told me I had to look after my sister and my mum, and with the two of them crying hysterically as he was leaving I took that beyond all seriousness. I couldn’t hurt for myself. I hurt because they hurt. My mum has always been my rock and to see her be crumpled up at someone’s demand made me unable to function as an individual with my own feelings. I suppose that’s where my resentment started.

It didn’t exactly get easier either. My dad was a cheat. Well, not a ‘having an affair’ cheat (that I know), but he was on dating websites and going out meeting people before he left my mum. How do I know? My sister is like a dog with a bone when she thinks she’s found something. Back when we were seeing my dad he would lie (BADLY) and then after not enough persuading would then divulge his dating life with my younger sister and me. I had friends with split parents, my best friend is an example of where both parents have moved on. My younger sister had none of that. So a few weeks after her and my mum were heartbroken he was leaving he was there telling her that he was happily dating and had, in fact been doing so for months. I think that’s where her resentment started too.

Our mum tells us the truth about everything. After my dad left it was just the three of us and we became ridiculously close. But my dad is a generally selfish man. This isn’t me being bias, it’s the truth. As an only child that always got what he wanted he carried that attitude on through his life, always wanting us to adapt for him so he could have his perfect patriarchal family. But, with my mum telling the truth and my dad telling lies it was clear to see that my dad was simply trying to get his money and in regards to us he would only try half-heartedly. 

A few months after the initial explosion my sister decided she wanted to come to terms with the separation in a way that would mean she would have two different lives – one with each parent. There was one room remaining with his things in and we offered to assist him removing it all so we could finally move on. He got angry in this process. He wasn’t ready to leave. He didn’t love my mum, he’d lied to us, but didn’t want to leave his house (which he wasn’t even living in). So to save the next details just imagine the hulk smashing about and you can understand why my sister got scared. I couldn’t cope so walked away, which I regret still because my sister said that was a time she felt so alone and vulnerable and I wasn’t there for her. That was when I decided enough was enough.

There wasn’t too much after that. We communicated a little, mainly my sister. I don’t even remember what prompted the day we had to call the police. He was there, in our house, barging about. There was screaming and shouting. I just called them. 

He tried to steal our dog.

He was aggressive when sister when she tried to get her back. 

That was the day he called my mum a cunt in front of me.

That was the day I stopped having a dad.

My sister has some processing difficulties, not severe, but enough so have an impact on her life. Over the last 2 years my dad has called her a ‘bitch’ a ‘physcho’, ‘messed up’ and ‘not his daughter’ all of which he retracted or reiterated depending on his mood. My sister was 13-15. My sister has anxiety now too. And bad trust issues. It is his fault.

My dad could finally see how bad the relationships had gotten and decided counselling. I went for the first session and didn’t like it, and had already made my decision so after that it was just my sister. The counsellor told my sister she was too emotionally damaged and had too many issues with herself that needed to be counselled before an additional problematic relationship could be built. My dad stopped paying for the sessions because he didn’t see the benefit for him. My sister, 2 years later is finally booking her first counselling appointment after being put on the waiting list. My sister now believes that everyone is going to drop her, especially if she doesn’t give them what they want. That is his fault.

The divorce went on for ages. Only finished a little while ago now. My mum had a mental breakdown. She felt alone and couldn’t cope with us, uni (which my dad had encouraged her to enroll into) and work. Most of these reasons are his fault. 

Direct family were affected, yeah, but everyone else was too. My grandad became consumed with anger and bitterness. My mums siblings are angry too. My baby cousins had to unknowingly make everyone wince when they were confused and asked repeatedly where my dad was. He left all of us. He hurt all of us.

We don’t see him anymore. But he still causes problems for us. He likes to be awkward giving my mum money making it difficult sometimes for us to get by. He likes to flaunt his new relationship on social media, and trash my mum in the process. He likes to try and manipulate my sister into seeing him. 

I don’t even reply. He made me the most closed person I could possibly be. Trust is something I lack in every sense, as is personal sensitivity. I’ve shut him away in my mind because that’s easy. I watched him hurt everyone else but I wouldn’t ever let him do that to me. It’s his fault I had to even consider doing that.

But thanks, dad. You have actually taught me that family isn’t always there- but the ones that matter are. And this includes friends, who are often more helpful than every family member combined. You’ve reminded me that it’s ok to have a laugh and a girly night with my mum and sister. You’ve also made me realise my set of grandparents that don’t care if I turn up covered in dirt are far more important and loving than a set who would only see us if we looked immaculate, and were on good terms with you.

You’ve made me see it’s not my fault I’ve had depression and wanted to hide away because I wasn’t good enough. You’ve made it clear that it’s not my fault you left, or that you did so in the way you did.

It’s your fault.

Living in Eastenders

I don’t believe any of you keep up with my blog, if by any chance you’re actually reading this post, but I’ll pretend you do.

I wanted to do so much. That Liebster nomination? Still not done. My narrations? A thing of the distant future.

This is because we’re essentially living in Eastenders. Not literally, but there’s so much drama that’s occupied my time and I’ve just not had the chance to blog. I’ll give you an insight:

  • About 3-4 weeks ago my grandad was being repeatedly called ambulances because he was ill. He finally was admitted into hospital for a few days.
  • During this, we moved in with my grandparents.
  • My grandad came home, and we moved back to our home.
  • 2 days later, my nan fell and broke her leg. This was 2 weeks ago and she’s only coming out of hospital tomorrow.
  • My mum moved back in with my grandad for this period, me and my sister fending for ourselves at home.
  • On Wednesday, I had a uni taster day. NOT. I ended up falling myself and fracturing my ankle.
  • Long story short we’re all living with my grandparents now and I’ve resulted in relying on a stairlift and crutches to get me about.

So yeah, you can probably see how blogging hadn’t been a top priority for me. I’ll get to it though as soon as summer starts and I’ve got more time on my hands and the drama subsides.

Hope life is a little more simple for you 🙂



We have expectations too

There’s a plethora of unspoken and spoken (or, in other words, VERY STRONGLY ENFORCED) expectations between teachers and students. Usually containing how a student is supposed to respect the teacher and everyone else, as well as concentrating and attempting not to be a complete ass. (Okay, so they’re not worded just like that). The same goes for teachers, although it is a little more downplayed to almost enforce the idea that they’re the authority and don’t owe you anything, but, you’d hope, a decent education. 
I think, particularly now that I am in Sixth Form these expectations are ignored. I understand the loosening of student-teacher relationships as we’re now approaching adulthood, students and teachers are at a higher level of equality. I understand that everyday human decencies that the expectation lists given by Year 7 teachers highlight have to be continued throughout life, including into sixth form. The teachers however get lazy.

The reason I am writing such a rant is because of events that have taken place today.

I have 7th Lessons. That’s just a thing I have a couple of times in my timetable because I’m sixth form, whilst the rest of the school finish at 3 o’clock after their 6th Lesson. I usually get the school bus, leaving at 3 with everyone else, so getting home after a 7th can be difficult.

Today I had a maths lesson and my teacher did not show up. For nearly 15 minutes my class waited, and without a teacher, we left. We all knew that she was a few doors down in her office, but it is not our responsibility to fetch her so we get taught.

Expectation1: Turn up to lessons.

The majority left the class, including myself, as I could then get the last bus at 3:30 so my Mum did not have to drive for half an hour to pick me up. I was trying to make things easier, particularly if I was not benefiting from remaining in the class.

Just gone quarter past, apparently my teacher appeared. How do I know this? A couple (and I mean about 3 out of 17) stayed, but were sent away since a lesson was not worth it with such a small proportion of the class. We were made aware that our teacher was fuming about us missing her lesson. Had a supposed valid excuse of being in a meeting (although we saw her alone in her office) and she remembered our lesson, she was just on her way. 

So what I ask is; if that were a student, regardless of age, they would have been penalised or at least negatively commented on. Just because it’s a teacher, we have to accept that being a quarter of the lesson late is ok. 

Tomorrow I, in addition to the remainder of my class, will be penalised for leaving the lesson early.

Where did upholding expectations go?


Exams Overview

Now that I’ve finished my exams I can finally relax*. I think most of them went well, or at least I hope that did, and in case any of you were interested about how I got on or are interested in a fellow AS student’s opinion on the same exams that you completed, I’m going to give a little (yeah, probably not so little) overview.
As English is my favourite subject, I’ll start on a high note. I take AQA English Language and Literature, and took my exams towards the middle of May. The first exam, where I had to analyse an extract from The Handmaid’s Tale and compare two poems written by Carol Ann Duffy, was ok to put it simply. It could have been a hell of a lot better, seeing as a fairly horrible extract and the WORST poem of the entire anthology came up, but overall it was alright and I was able to complete it with a fair bit of confidence. Upon reading some of the exam papers she’s been given as an invigilator and reading the exam herself, my English teacher said that she expected low boundaries as it looked difficult and those she had seen looked to have struggled.
When it came to my second English exam, I was a little less comfortable, even running to. My teacher 10 minutes before the exam for any last minute tips. I was unnecessarily stressing, it was fine. Decent texts came up to compare, and they gave us far more context than I was used to receiving which made my analysis quicker. My recreative piece was a little dodgy, as the perspective was worded oddly, I just hope I did that well enough to receive a good overall grade for my favourite subject. 

I take EDEXCEL History too, studying the reunification of Germany and all of the events surrounding it, in addition to Russia throughout the majority of the 20th century. I’d expected these to be difficult due to the amount of content to revise and my lack of confidence in my teaching in the first place. It could have been a lot worse than it was, so I am grateful for that at least. From what I can remember, the questions weren’t too bad, and was able to answer them with (I think) good analysis and relevant statistics to back up my points. My only issue with the History exams was with timing. I could have done with at least another 15 minutes on each exam. This is due to my sheer lack of ability to be succinct in my writing, and a lack of practice as we’d only done one in class and 20 mark essays aren’t exactly the thing you can mark by yourself at home either. That time I think I needed wasn’t greatly grieved though, and I’d like to think that I did alright on that too.

AQA Maths puts me on an entirely different path. PC1, much much much much much harder than any of the past papers I had come across. Simple as that really. My confidence wasn’t helped when I went for a revision session with my maths teacher after the PC1 paper either, she’d seen the paper and thought it was easy (as did the rest of the teachers in our maths department apparently). My issue, and it seems everyone else’s too was that there was a severe lack of whole numbers for a non-calculator paper so it was impossible to tell if an answer looked right. PC2 I revised loads for, even got myself a maths tutor to try and improve. Overall that exam wasn’t too bad, but it’s still maths so I’ll never be confident. Again, when speaking to the maths teachers, they all found this paper really tricky meaning our hopefulness about that exam is thoroughly misplaced. My final maths exam was S1. Me and statistics are not friends. I did 13 past papers, was constantly on the phone to my friend who takes statistics as a separate course, in addition to my super genius friends (like, seriously, I have no idea why they’re friends with me) and I was still panicking up until I sat down to sit the paper. Then it all went away and I experienced a really nice paper. I’m not by far saying I got an A. That would be a miracle. But my B is looking positive. I will hopefully get a B overall in Maths so it will be a good grade to contribute 50% to my A Level, and ease the pressure a little for me next year. 

AQA Computing. What can I say? That first exam was awful. It’s a new specification so none of us had seen a paper before, and the exam we had was nothing like the exemplar paper. The content could have been ok, had there been long enough to do it. But, as always, there was not enough time. To say I needed extra time would be an understatement. For a 90 minute paper I genuinely considered bursting into tears because I’d no where near finished by the end of the time, and would have probably need another hour to be confident with it. Not even the supreme coders from my class (you know the type) finished that paper, and my teacher said it took her 2 hours to complete when she looked over it. FABULOUS. Expecting to fail computing. That doesn’t matter though (hopefully) as I only need a DDD minimum to continue onto A Levels at my Sixth Form next year, and Computing was the subject I was planning to drop anyway.
Nevertheless, the second computing exam was astonishing. It was everything I’d hoped for really (minus that assembly language question that would inevitably have come up). Some of the questions were even stolen (slightly slightly slightly adapted) from the specimen paper which was pretty great since me and my fellow female computing people had gone through in the morning, a mere few hours before the exam. Overall, it could be a win or lose situation with computing really, although as I said, I’m not bothered either way (AS LONG AS I PASS MATHS!).
How did your exams go? Did you do any of the ones I did? Do you agree with my opinions?

Bye bye

* Relaxing, after Tuesday 14th June means jumping full-steam-ahead into A Level coursework, applying to University Open Days, and then Universities, preparing for Summer work and all sorts of other academia. Oh well, at least it’s not exams.

How do we survive exams season?

This post is important.
What is really important is the concept of exams and mine, and your, handling of that concept. How did/do we survive exam season?

Tips to handle exam stress. Tips to achieve success.

Did you read them? I expect so, whether in procrastination or desire to remain sane and desperate strive to do so. Did they really impact your life? Probably not. Or if they did, they probably stressed you out more or made you feel guilty about the way you were progressing through exam season.

  • Everybody revises differently.
  • You do not want to stress to much, nor eliminate it completely. You have to have an element of pressure to ensure you stay motivated to achieve your goals.
  • Exams are not the end of the world. (We’ll come to this in a minute)
  • Don’t let anyone pressure you into socialising when you want to revise, or alternatively, revising when you want to socialise (or at the very least relax).
  • They’re over shortly. You probably won’t remember your exams in a weeks time, let alone in years to come when you question why you were so stressed.

I acknowledge all of these things. Yet I am a hypocrite. During my month long exam season I had 4 meltdowns/panic attacks/breakdowns/brinks of giving up. Yep, if you’ve done the maths that’s on average one meltdown a week. One, I could possibly put down to hormones because yeah, being a teenage girl sucks. The rest? I could give anyone the blame for why I was so stressed. To name a few:

  • The school for being so crappy and not having my back particularly in terms of welfare
  • My teachers for not teaching the syllabus or consolidating it or making me feel like I couldn’t achieve something I wanted (or all of these)
  • The government for putting so much emphasis on exams

My main issue is the whole concept of the exams, and the list above are the implementers of the concept which inevitably results in stress for the majority of the population. We are told that if you don’t achieve this, you can’t do this, which means you can’t do that, which means that dream you had? That’s unachievable. So you know what? If you fail this year 10 French mock then your life is going to suck forever and you’ll never be happy- and definitely not successful, regardless of whether you want to drop French at the first chance you get.

This level of manipulation in teenagers is wrong and I am a proven subject of this. I have the mentality that if I have failed my maths AS, I’ll never be happy because I’ll have to continue computing or only take two subjects which means I won’t get into University even if I want to and my career choices will be limited and no one will want to employ me because I couldn’t even complete my AS’s properly. Not entirely realistic, but that’s the mindset I can’t escape. There are options, I could retake the year, some Universities are lenient with grades, I don’t need to go to University at all, and I definitely will get hired by someone and as long as I’m happy it doesn’t matter who employs me. 

Who told me all of this? My Mum. Because she’s the only one that has faith in me, but also knows that I will be successful even if I don’t do as well as I want to this year. My Mum is my motivation, and some people don’t even have that driving force so they drop out the second they don’t do as they’d hoped. The school and it’s teachers are never going to tell me that it will all be ok. For one, they don’t care as long as their statistics are good, and also, they are the ones that instil the very attitude that it won’t be ok if you fail exams- or even don’t achieve top grades.
So, as I’m sure many of you can vouch for, my mind has been broken thinking that one hour of my life is going to affect my future in such a destructive way, and in this way of thinking, I know failure is inevitable. Even if I get my grades, I’ll have become an unhealthy recluse singularly dedicated to studying and meeting the next deadline, never being happy with the grade I’m at and always pushing for something better and making myself overwhelmingly stressed in the meantime.

But that’s ok, say the schools, the teachers and the government. As long as you get the grades.
Bye bye